Self-Injury

Is hurting yourself a case of hating yourself? Maybe I do hate myself since I cut both my arms four times already, each of the cuts getting a bit deeper and longer. I wanted to do it a fifth time... but then I'm afraid that it will become a terrible habit.

It's the burn of the wounds that make me relieved. The stinging sensation is only shading what I'm really trying to endure, though. I thought maybe if I caused pain upon myself physically then I can easily soak in pain mentally. If that were the case, I need to slash into my skin a lot more deeper.

I can't keep doing this to myself because sooner, or later, someone is going to find out what I've been doing in the kitchen at midnight. They're going to find out and send me back to the hospital for who knows how long. Maybe a year. Well, actually, I kind of do want to go back to the hospital because I just can't deal with the problems normally. I'm so close to crying out for someone to help at some points... like picking up the phone and calling my therapist, or telling one of my family members to just hit me, or anything. There has to be a better cure for me!






If you're wondering, I used a small serrated knife to do the dirty work and not the typical blade like the one above. Oh, I have quite a funny story to add to this. After I was done sawing into my skin, I used the same unclean knife to cut me a first slice of the cake I baked.

As an update, I think you may feel differently now.

I used to do it, myself. I'm squeamish about knives, so I whipped my arms and legs with a metal chain, and burned myself a bit. Partly because I hated myself, partly because I didn't know what else to do. I felt so bad, that I wanted to do something illogical. It hurt, but the endorphin rush afterwards made me feel good. I found it isn't worth it. I never told anyone about it, because I don't have thoughts about it, any more.

The punishment has to fit the crime...

It's fucked up since I stopped during January, but I started again this month when I went through the third sleepless night within a week. It's like this is a punishment all itself. But what do you know, this is the main reason why I couldn't sleep in the first place.

Heh... it was only a stupid New Year's resolution, anyway. No one ever sticks along with those things because those people are only lying to themselves about how they want to change for the better. The truth is that they don't have what it takes at all. I'm a big liar, then. To all of them and to myself.




And yes, I know this is a double post.

I haven't done it in awhile, My parents check my arms everyday since they found out about it. I'm afraid that if they catch me again I won't be posting anywhere on the internet for quite a while.

PhoenonX wrote:I haven't done it in awhile, My parents check my arms everyday since they found out about it. I'm afraid that if they catch me again I won't be posting anywhere on the internet for quite a while.

I was found out again. Surprisingly, all the knives haven't been mysteriously hidden away yet.

Self-destructive behavior is a multifaceted pattern.

Based on the way you're writing, it's clear you think about what might happen if someone were to catch you. As you alluded, you may even want to be caught. I imagine you might become upset if you were caught, but being caught would demand that someone care for you. Self-destruction, in that way, is a means of expressing a desire for a sense of worth. In fact, the act of writing itself is an expression of wanting to be cared about. You don't write publicly if you want no one to read it; it's just the way people are.

I don't mean this coldly or denigratingly though. I think honesty is an approach to happiness.

I don't know how good your therapist is or how helpful the hospital was, so I can't really render any kind of judgment about that. And I sure as fuck wouldn't try to form a definite opinion about that sort of thing given the context.

Heh... it was only a stupid New Year's resolution, anyway. No one ever sticks along with those things because those people are only lying to themselves about how they want to change for the better. The truth is that they don't have what it takes at all. I'm a big liar, then. To all of them and to myself.

This is an interesting thing to say. I don't think you completely believe what you're saying, or at least that you aren't fully convinced that is the way of things.

Being cynical of people and their ability to sustain the promises they keep is a natural result of seeing people repeatedly fuck up, but it is certainly not as if people always make promises insincerely. It doesn't mean they are lying to themselves. Difficult promises are, well, difficult, but that does not mean that people deceive themselves necessarily. Oftentimes, people want to achieve goals, but they don't pursue them the right way, and their efforts end in failure.

That isn't necessarily self-deception as much as it is simply acting unrealistically. People fuck up all the time; it's something terrible about us that needs to be accepted, especially in the self.

To break a habit, it often takes a great deal of effort -- and often a great deal of help. That says nothing of the sincerity of the desire to change though. Not being able to do it doesn't mean you don't desire it.



Anyway, I don't think you really want to hurt yourself too badly. It certainly provides a release, and it can feel good; I know that much. But I think more than anything, you'd like someone to take notice, to care, even if you also want to conceal the wounds.

It's difficult for me to know for sure, but this is what my clinician's intuition and logic are telling me. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I actually didn't find the first two paragraphs to be cold at all. I must be a little slow on noticing things like that.

Anyway, I always believed that I have to help myself or someone else's help wouldn't penetrate me. It would technically be like their words would go through one of my ears and out the other. Heh, I never would have expected to be caught since I thought my skin was pale enough to hide the scars. People would think it is disgusting that I would hurt myself to just get rid of tension and such. Naturally, people will always avoid getting hurt in the first place, but then there are a few who reach for the nearest sharp object to tear their veins apart. But what I got wrong is that the cuts actually make you feel numb and it's not really supposed to cause any real pain at all... now that information could have saved me some scarring. I'm more into the pain and not the blood, but you might have known that already from the first post up there. This made me think that I was actually building some sort of immunity to the pain, causing me to gradually slice deeper.

I am quite nervous that a serious accident will happen one of these nights, but it would be my own fault anyway. I'm pretty aware of the consequences of all this with the infections, nonstop bleeding, and other gross crap. It's a work in progress to try and break out of this cycle, though. At least through my eyes.

But whatever happens, happens.

TurkeyBeef wrote:I am quite nervous that a serious accident will happen one of these nights, but it would be my own fault anyway.

Yeah sure, you don't care at all.

Yea I have

I tried to drown myself a few years ago. I guess that's a self-injury.

COOKING WITH SCORPY

TheDumbening wrote:I constantly think about it. Just staring at the knife holder for a few minutes contemplating whether I should or not...

I would never recommend it.

It might relieve you a bit sometimes, but it can easily lead into a cycle, and that's just bad. I haven't done it myself and I never wanted to, but I know that much.

Whelt wrote:

TheDumbening wrote:I constantly think about it. Just staring at the knife holder for a few minutes contemplating whether I should or not...

I would never recommend it.

It might relieve you a bit sometimes, but it can easily lead into a cycle, and that's just bad. I haven't done it myself and I never wanted to, but I know that much.

Yeah, you're too young to be dealing with bullshit like that. You have to accept the consequences if you do start, though.

SKINNING

Too bad SI falls in both catagories.

CHOPPING

TheDumbening wrote:CHOPPING

Psychotic SI, usually involving the removal of arms, eyes, and other appendages due to the person suffering audible hallucinations telling them to do so. I wonder if it works for nightmares, too... like say a sort of demon suddenly tells me that sleeping is a disease. Nah, that wouldn't bring me to scooping out my eyes with a spoon, but will most likely cause me to stitch them shut so that I can sleep normally again.

The stitches can come easily if I do it right the first time. I think taking out the eyes would mean that they're seeing things, though, which would mean that I will have to rip off my ears because I hear strange shit around me. But then that will also mean that I will have to slit the major vein because they told me to.

Oh well...

Remember kids, make it count: Down the street, not across.

In all seriousness, I could never bring myself to do that, though.

Well I might as well update to post how I still haven't stopped cutting. Bah... I just feel so horrible at the moment, I just needed pain for balance. This whole thing is like a drug, and the whole thing that made me slice my arm up in one night is bullshit.

What the fuck...

TurkeyBeef wrote:Well I might as well update to post how I still haven't stopped cutting. Bah... I just feel so horrible at the moment, I just needed pain for balance. This whole thing is like a drug, and the whole thing that made me slice my arm up in one night is bullshit.

What the fuck...

I just started up again about a half-hour ago. I feel like a failure, but I need to calm myself down somehow, and methods like "Talking to yourself" isn't doing crap, oh well. I'm not as stupid as I used to be about this.

Eh, I still feel stupid for even trying this as a method for relief, but I can't pass up an opportunity to actually feel good.

Well, I guess we just have to make due with what options we have at hand for now.

I guess so... just as long as the rust doesn't have a flesh-eating germ on it, though.