Self-Injury
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DrGenericMan
Elekari
Dylan
Peewee
RabbitSnore
PhoenonX
Tsumo
Whelt
TurkeyBeef
13 posters
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Re: Self-Injury
Yeah, I am disappointed in myself, so there's no need to hide from that fact...
TurkeyBeef- Admin
- Posts : 136
Join date : 2008-07-07
Location : Somewhere between here and there.
Cutting & Depression
I never had any real intentions to cut myself. Though, in high school early on, I was curious about it, so I asked people why they did it. I got responses similar to what I see here. I still didn't feel like doing it, though.
Later I started hanging out with some people, all were nice, but there was one girl that was depressed and she had quite a lot of scars from cutting. I don't recall what happened, as this was years ago, but something I was involved in caused her to want to cut herself one night. I thought, "hey, here's a good time to try", being the naturally curious person I am. I got out my pocket knife and looked at my wrist. "No...", I thought, "people would expect that." so I went for a higher part of my arm. I didn't make it deep (there's no scar there anymore, either). It was just enough for a little bit of blood to trickle out, and I waited... "This doesn't feel good, nor does it do anything for me mentally.". I licked up what little blood there was and that was the last time I ever did that.
I don't think I have the mental/physical connection some people do. For some, the physical overrides the mental, but for me, it's just more crap to deal with.
I think the only thing that keeps me from being a generally depressed being is the unusual nature of my existence. It took me a while to find that, too. As soon as I connect with "the real world", though, I fear all will have been lost, and quite a dark road would lie ahead for me, personally, while on the contrary, I could make life better for everyone.
Later I started hanging out with some people, all were nice, but there was one girl that was depressed and she had quite a lot of scars from cutting. I don't recall what happened, as this was years ago, but something I was involved in caused her to want to cut herself one night. I thought, "hey, here's a good time to try", being the naturally curious person I am. I got out my pocket knife and looked at my wrist. "No...", I thought, "people would expect that." so I went for a higher part of my arm. I didn't make it deep (there's no scar there anymore, either). It was just enough for a little bit of blood to trickle out, and I waited... "This doesn't feel good, nor does it do anything for me mentally.". I licked up what little blood there was and that was the last time I ever did that.
I don't think I have the mental/physical connection some people do. For some, the physical overrides the mental, but for me, it's just more crap to deal with.
I think the only thing that keeps me from being a generally depressed being is the unusual nature of my existence. It took me a while to find that, too. As soon as I connect with "the real world", though, I fear all will have been lost, and quite a dark road would lie ahead for me, personally, while on the contrary, I could make life better for everyone.
Re: Self-Injury
Maybe someday I will except my existence again. Until then, the cycle continues.
TurkeyBeef- Admin
- Posts : 136
Join date : 2008-07-07
Location : Somewhere between here and there.
Re: Self-Injury
I've been looking at my scars... they're ugly.
TurkeyBeef- Admin
- Posts : 136
Join date : 2008-07-07
Location : Somewhere between here and there.
Re: Self-Injury
Accidental death may occur... accidental death may occur...
The searing pain is too short, I need more of it to ease my disarraying thoughts. I know what will happen eventually, but whatever. It's my drug now and probably will be 'till death do we part... which could result from a torn artery. How did I end up like this? Oh well... I already knew that only I can help my own skin. Heh, "help my skin". That's ironic because I'm tearing it apart.
I can make jokes, too.
The searing pain is too short, I need more of it to ease my disarraying thoughts. I know what will happen eventually, but whatever. It's my drug now and probably will be 'till death do we part... which could result from a torn artery. How did I end up like this? Oh well... I already knew that only I can help my own skin. Heh, "help my skin". That's ironic because I'm tearing it apart.
I can make jokes, too.
TurkeyBeef- Admin
- Posts : 136
Join date : 2008-07-07
Location : Somewhere between here and there.
Re: Self-Injury
TurkeyBeef wrote:Accidental death may occur... accidental death may occur...
The searing pain is too short, I need more of it to ease my disarraying thoughts. I know what will happen eventually, but whatever. It's my drug now and probably will be 'till death do we part... which could result from a torn artery. How did I end up like this? Oh well... I already knew that only I can help my own skin. Heh, "help my skin". That's ironic because I'm tearing it apart.
I can make jokes, too.
Not on my watch.
Re: Self-Injury
Definitely not working, all this "clearing out my mind" bullshit. My head is just going to fall off my shoulders. I can't think, I can't even write down what I'm feeling half the time. It's become too jumbled for me... It's been a year, and still no improvement. Of course I need to do something first, but I need some motivation, which is something I don't have. The only way for now.
I guess I could be grateful for having the right genes to feel pain properly. Although, like I've mentioned before, there's a thing your body can do to block the pain from your brain. Look, it rhymed.
I guess I could be grateful for having the right genes to feel pain properly. Although, like I've mentioned before, there's a thing your body can do to block the pain from your brain. Look, it rhymed.
Last edited by TurkeyBeef on Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:02 am; edited 1 time in total
TurkeyBeef- Admin
- Posts : 136
Join date : 2008-07-07
Location : Somewhere between here and there.
Re: Self-Injury
Hmm... I need to find another place for injury. The current spot is getting too scarred up, and bleeding starts immediately after a tiny incision, which is not enough for pain to erupt. It has to be deep cuts for pain to come through. Also, I'm running out of room so it won't be easy to hide them from the public if I keep tearing at the flesh.
I'm not good with my left hand, though... but I guess I can adjust to keep it up on the right arm again. It will be temporary, maybe. I just need to find a way to ease the maggots. Like I have mentioned plenty of times, it's a work in progress.
I'm not good with my left hand, though... but I guess I can adjust to keep it up on the right arm again. It will be temporary, maybe. I just need to find a way to ease the maggots. Like I have mentioned plenty of times, it's a work in progress.
TurkeyBeef- Admin
- Posts : 136
Join date : 2008-07-07
Location : Somewhere between here and there.
Guest- Guest
Re: Self-Injury
I've been doing it for a while now, though I somewhat forgot about how long ago it was. I began doing it consistently around April, starting with forcing myself underwater through weights, an enclosed space of some sort, or just my own will. Of course, I never have gotten far enough with that. Instinct kicks in pretty easily, though I suspect if I ever bring some heavy chains and a deep, natural river into the equation, it won't have a choice.
Back in July I sat in my father's mechanic shop, upset and alone while he was out. I found a dull knife and began to burn my ankle until it bled. Since then, I moved up to my leg, did a fair amount of damage there, and now concentrate on my right forearm. Last night I thought about cutting the major vein at the bisect of my forearm and my upper arm (usually where they draw your blood at hospitals), though my... I don't know if I should call her my love or the one I wrap my thoughts around most, but regardless, she was talking to me over voice chat (and video chat on her end) and [additionally] I was admittedly too afraid to cut there for the moment.
However, I fell asleep while she was acting just as upset as I was, so I don't imagine she'll be alright today... Certainly I hope she's alright. I hope I didn't kill her like I almost killed my one friend.
Back in July I sat in my father's mechanic shop, upset and alone while he was out. I found a dull knife and began to burn my ankle until it bled. Since then, I moved up to my leg, did a fair amount of damage there, and now concentrate on my right forearm. Last night I thought about cutting the major vein at the bisect of my forearm and my upper arm (usually where they draw your blood at hospitals), though my... I don't know if I should call her my love or the one I wrap my thoughts around most, but regardless, she was talking to me over voice chat (and video chat on her end) and [additionally] I was admittedly too afraid to cut there for the moment.
However, I fell asleep while she was acting just as upset as I was, so I don't imagine she'll be alright today... Certainly I hope she's alright. I hope I didn't kill her like I almost killed my one friend.
Hypothermal Fringe- Posts : 5
Join date : 2010-12-12
Re: Self-Injury
Corpy Inked wrote:I've never cut myself on purpose because I've never seen how it would actually help me at all. Plus, the concept of physically hurting myself is not pleasant to me. I hope you don't mind me asking this, but what makes you like so miserable that you resort to cutting yourself?
Things happen in life, and usually these are things in which we have no control over. Everyone has their own way of dealing with these certain troubles.
That's my way of explaining it to save you from unnecessary detail.
TurkeyBeef- Admin
- Posts : 136
Join date : 2008-07-07
Location : Somewhere between here and there.
Re: Self-Injury
I feel rather dumb for deciding to take it up again. One reason being that I am having recreational counseling with several psychologists, and they are required 'by law'--as they say--to report any known injury to the school district (being that I am still enrolled). And another is that I may be required to have blood drawn from me at some point with an upcoming job; it's either having blood drawn or having something injected into me, I believe it's the second. It's to ensure that I don't make any children around me ill with some coughing disease. My sickness is entirely different and not contagious, but they still could get paranoid and make me go through with it. It's only on my left arm where anything is visible, maybe I can persuade them to do the right if need be. Strange since I was forewarned of this by my one psychologist, perhaps he is suspecting of me.
On the topic of why; I am not sure why I do it. I enjoy the sting, I enjoy licking and blowing on the slits, but I can't provide any articulate reason. I strive for perfection, especially lately, and I suppose it's a form of punishment I endow on myself. As a child I was prone to hitting myself and getting hit when I was bad. I used to knock my head amongst objects, usually just a hard wall. I know I'll be delving into my life story if I go any further, perhaps another time. I could just be some delusional kid, making decisions based on the desire to be loved, and even then don't think that I deserve it. Just more irrelevant matters.
On the topic of why; I am not sure why I do it. I enjoy the sting, I enjoy licking and blowing on the slits, but I can't provide any articulate reason. I strive for perfection, especially lately, and I suppose it's a form of punishment I endow on myself. As a child I was prone to hitting myself and getting hit when I was bad. I used to knock my head amongst objects, usually just a hard wall. I know I'll be delving into my life story if I go any further, perhaps another time. I could just be some delusional kid, making decisions based on the desire to be loved, and even then don't think that I deserve it. Just more irrelevant matters.
ToxoT- Posts : 3
Join date : 2010-03-26
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